October 22, 2012

Losing My Religion

This is a post that I've wanted to write for a few days now...but honestly? I'm afraid.

One topic that hasn't found it's way onto Travel Babbles yet is religion.
It's just so controversial, so personal, you know?

And I don't want to ruffle anyone's feathers,
but, I need advice.

The past few nights I've found myself wide awake at 3am,
staring at the ceiling and praying.

"Dear God, why is this happening..."

"Dear God, how are we going to pay our bills next month..."

"Dear God, help me figure out what our next move is supposed to be..."

I get three or four sentences into my prayers until I stop myself.
Is He listening? And if He is listening, why would He help me?

I mean, I'm not an axe murderer or anything,
but I certainly don't live the Christian lifestyle that was instilled in me
during my twelve years of Catholic education.

I haven't been to church in years, and I only seek Him out when I really need Him.
So why would He help me after I've turned my back on Him?

I feel completely hopeless...completely helpless...
and the only things that are keeping me together are faith and love.

But what exactly is faith?

For a long time I thought that hope and faith were one in the same, but they aren't.

Hope, in definition, is a feeling.

And what about faith? It's a belief in the unknown.

But the unknown is exactly what is causing me so much anxiety.

I've held on to hope for the past two weeks that things would work themselves out,
that the coaches who currently have TJ dangling on a shoe string
would get it together, and that we'd be on our way.

But that doesn't seem to be happening,
and it's been so stressful to go through such high's and low's each day.

We go from waking up in the morning half agreeing on retirement,
to then receive an email from TJ's Euro agent with interest from X team in Y league,
followed by a phone call five minutes later from a team here in the States,
to then see that a NHL player has taken that spot in Europe.

And don't even get me started on the fact that
there are technically only four spots on each team here because TJ is a vet,
and if we were to go to another team here in the U.S.,
it would most likely be to take someone else's job, which just happened to us.

Even though my only focus is on TJ,
there are dozens and dozens and dozens of them...
hockey players who are sitting at home,
hoping, and wishing, and praying, and trying to keep the faith.

He's half considered finding another job,
but what happens if that one team finally pulls through with their half-ass offer
and we're packing up the UHAUL...or boarding the plane to Europe tomorrow?

So I guess...what I want to know...is how to relax,
and how to truly accept that everything is in His hands?



  1. I would suggest reading the book "the secret" by Rhonda Byrnes. It changed how a view life...for the better. It also gives me a lot of peace of mind. It's hard to explain but the whole book is based on how to turn everything in your life into a positive.

  2. Kym, we haven't met... but I read this post and wanted to share a couple of things with you, which I hope will be encouraging. I can't imagine the difficulty of each day for you and TJ at the moment - the unanswered questions, the fallen tears, the anxious heart - but I do know that HE has you firmly in His hands. When life doesn't go according to plan, I suppose we have two choices - either believe that it is random and that is the universe playing some cruel trick on us. Or we believe that it is God's plan - that there are powerful and gentle hands orchestrating something we can't even imagine. Personally, I choose the second option. The wonderful thing about being a Christian is that it is a gift of grace to us - nothing we do or don't do changes the give of the salvation we have. Our "christian life" or lack thereof is not the yardstick by which He loves us, listens us and reaches out us. His love for you never changes. Never. Its OK to have hard questions and moments of doubt - God's grace is BIG enough for that, for all of that. If faith is difficult to hold onto at the moment, then hold onto love. You don't have to "get it" or have it "figured out" - you just need to go to Him...And I am confident that you will look back and see the fingerprints of God all over this time. "One day in retrospect, the times of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful" I encourage you to listen to a song called Beautiful Exchange by Hillsong - let it speak to your heart.

  3. I was going to suggest what Stephanie suggested...read "The Secret." When I first lost my grandfather, I was at a crossroads in life and did not know which way to turn. My grandfather had given me a serious wake up call..."Get on your path in life." I didn't even know what my path was.

    A few weeks after he died, I celebrated my 31st birthday. My friend handed me a copy of "The Secret" and it started me down a new path in life...one where I have all of the answers I was searching for.

    "The Secret" led me to Paulo Coelho and Carl Jung's "Synchronicity" papers. Almost one year later, I found myself in a meditation center in NYC and they taught me how to meditate. It was in NYC that I reached enlightenment and discovered all of the secrets to the universe on how to get everything I could have ever dreamed of having (and more).

    I know there is a God. I found him through meditation. It was like returning home and feeling a long, lost father that you've been searching for wrap his arms around you and just fill you with so much love. There is truth in the saying "Through God all things are possible."

    Sometimes the struggles in life are designed to bring you back to God. There are times that I feel like the only reason why I travel so much is to discover God in new places. It's almost like an inner journey into the psyche when I travel.

    One of the most important things I've learned in life is to not worry. It is fruitless to worry about anything. Whatever is supposed to happen will happen. You have to let go of trying to control everything and think about only doing the good things.

    It takes time to figure all of these things out, but the one thing I've learned is that you have to go searching for it in order to find it. "The Secret" is just a tiny cliff's notes version of the knowledge that is out there about finding God. Meditation (and learning how to do it properly) is the key to finding the answers you are seeking.


  4. Things ARE in His hands. He's waiting for u to calm down, tell Him u are ready for the path He has for u and then TRUST that He's got u. Pray daily to have the strength to follow His road and be able to hear the promptings of His voice. He loves u sister and He's waiting for u to turn to Him. He is there, and He will help u because u are his precious daughter.

  5. Everything that happens, happens at the perfect time (hugs)

  6. Kymmy, everything is in His hands already. Keep talking and keep praying sweet girl, even these posts on your sweet blog are always helping and a good way of talking to Him and letting Him know how you feel. He has His hand over you all the time, He is watching over you and in very small ways, He is giving you both the strength to get through this together. He has a greater plan for us and one day we will see.

    Keep praying girl, and keep believing. And just shout if you want to chat, or shout, or scream, or cry, or pray.

  7. this is something that I struggled with too for a long time.
    does god even hear me?
    and WHEN will he answer my prayers?
    Sometimes the only thing I have held onto is what god has brought me through in the past. But i have to also believe that if he has done it before, he will do it again.
    I have a post going up tomorrow about waiting. God requires that sometimes.
    but these may help you. I have held onto a multitude of verses for a while now. Galatians 6:9 simply says "Let's not allow ourselves to get fatigued in doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit."
    so don't give up because in the right time, your blessing will come.
    I also love 2 chronicles 32:31 because it says "the lord left hezekiah to see what was in his heart."
    and it really means that he withdrew. There are times you will feel like God is not there, but he may just want to see what is in your heart.
    I am praying for you and your husband.
    I hope you have a great rest of your day!

  8. I really good friend of mine is in a very similar situation with the NHL. The sad thing is that people assume that since he played in the NHL, he's well off and doesn't need to be worried about.

    I wish you all the best, and really hope that things work out.

  9. The great thing about God is he's never changed even if you haven't been giving him the time of day. He always wants to hear from us, help us and grow us. Always. And he always listens. I can identify with asking the questions though. I used to. Trusting takes practice. Choose to trust him today when anxiety creeps up..pray, give it to him, and then do it again the next time and over and over and see what He does. He might just amaze you.

  10. Oh dear Kym, i am not a perfect believer or person by ANY means, but i def believe that God is ALWAYS waiting and opening his arms to you when you need him. He loves us SO much that we probably can't fully understand as a human on this earth(at least i can't comprehend how much he loves me). I grew up and was raised Catholic too (but consider myself non-denominational Christian), and from my experience, their teachings made me feel alot of guilt about alot of things...letting go of the guilt has been a challenge for me because traditions were so drilled in me. However, i feel like hope can be a part of your faith--they go hand in hand with love. I am sure you've heard of this verse but it's one of my faves.

    Hebrews 11:1-Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

    Faith journey is just that, a journey. I can't take in everything God wants to teach me in one day. I am pretty sure when you pray, He hears you and knows exactly what you need. and girl, i deal with anxiety almost on a nightly basis! Good things area always on their way!! :)you are not alone!


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