March 19, 2013

Eventually, I Will Be Okay. Just Not Today.

I started writing this post in my head before the miscarriage was even confirmed.

I guess that's the writer in me. And I guess that a "mother's intuition" is a real thing.

I had half-known for the past couple of weeks. I was continually questioning why I never experienced morning sickness, why I wasn't tired anymore, why the soreness in my breasts had gone away, and why I felt "normal."

"Maybe I'm just one of the lucky ones?," I wondered.

Google quickly became my best friend in the days leading up to our ten week appointment. Some women had experienced the same decline of pregnancy symptoms that I had while rounding the corner into the second trimester. Some women went on to deliver healthy children - while other women were not so lucky.

TJ and I saw our first positive pregnancy test very early, at 3 weeks and 3 days along. After six months of trying, we experienced "is this real life?" emotions, which quickly turned into confirmed happiness after seeing those two lines appear on four tests. There was no denying it - we were finally pregnant.

We had no idea what we were doing, but we quickly started to imagine and daydream about what life would be like with Baby Fox.

Two days before my appointment this past Saturday, I was wide awake at 3:30am, and I went to use the bathroom. I saw shocked to see a little bit of blood. I woke TJ up, who had to be out of the door four hours later for an away game, and I somehow forced myself to fall back asleep.

When I woke up, the day was pure torture. I was still spotting, and TJ wouldn't be home until the next day. There are no girls here, meaning no physical support system, and I spent most of the day Googling for answers and texting with my mom and one of my best friends.

All I wanted to do was get on an airplane and go home.

I managed to pull myself together and take a shower. I put my hands on my belly, closed my eyes, and tried to talk to the baby ... but there was nothing. This is when I finally let the tears flow and let it sink in. I know that bleeding during pregnancy can be normal ... and I don't even know why or how to explain this, but I just knew that something was wrong with our baby.

TJ got home from his road trip the next day, and crawled into bed at 7:30am. I let him sleep.

We arrived at the hospital at 1pm.

The doctor that I saw was amazing. It was my first experience with a male doctor - whom I've always been so terrified of seeing - however he was honestly the best doctor that I've ever had. I feared that he would have broken English and that he wouldn't have the empathy skills necessary to be the bearer of bad news - but I was wrong.

He took my background information, asked about my last period, confirmed that I would be 10 weeks and 5 days along, and congratulated us on our first pregnancy.

I was in a daze and I forgot to thank him.

There's really no privacy when you visit the Lady Doctor here in Germany. There was a curtain in the corner, and the doctor instructed me to go behind it and undress from the bottom down. I did, then I took an embarrassing butt-ass naked walk halfway across the room, past TJ, the nurse, and the doctor, and hopped up on the scary stirrup chair.

I asked TJ if he could leave the room. The chair that he was sitting in was positioned just right, and I was not comfortable with him having a front row seat at my pap smear.

The doctor then gave me an internal ultrasound and we looked at the monitor. The nurse who was by my side suddenly touched my arm and began rubbing it. I couldn't take my eyes off of the monitor, and I whispered to the nurse, "Can you please go get my husband?"

They both returned within 30 seconds. TJ was now by my side, and by that point I had pulled my scarf up to my face and I had tears welling in my eyes.

The doctor hadn't said anything yet, but I knew that something wasn't right. I've YouTubed enough 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, and 11 week ultrasound videos to know that something was very wrong with our baby.

The doctor finally spoke. He asked me if my dates could be off. I arrived in Germany on January 10th and I had a positive pregnancy test 3 weeks later. The dates were definitely not off.

He went on to check my ovaries and everything else. He said that everything looked perfect. He went back to the baby and explained what was not perfect.

He confirmed what I had already known - that our baby did not have a heartbeat.

Everything after that was a blur. I somehow got off the chair, ended up behind the curtain, dressed myself, and found myself sitting next to TJ.

The doctor spoke but I wasn't listening.

The doctor discussed what would happen next. I went through the motions, occasionally saying "Okay" or "I understand," while he explained the surgery that I'd have to have to deliver the baby.

I couldn't take my eyes off of the last photo of the baby, who was still up on the monitor.

I heard the doctor say things like "the "loss" of pregnancy is very common in the first trimester" and that "1 in 4 women experience such a "loss."

But my baby wasn't lost, I could see it right there in front of me on the monitor. And it was dead.

The doctor finally wheeled his chair closer to me, breaking my attention from the monitor, and said "I need for you to understand something that is very important. This is neither of your faults. These things happen and oftentimes we will never know why, but it's usually because of a chromosomal abnormality, and your body just knew that something was wrong with the baby. I like to look at the positive side of every situation, and the good thing to remember here is that we know that your body can make a baby."

Something about those words just sunk in and gave me peace.

And I know that eventually, I will be okay.

That's not to say that I'm not experiencing random episodes out of nowhere where tears just start streaming uncontrollably down my cheeks ... but eventually, I will be okay.

I know that I just wrote a couple of blog posts back about not wanting to over-share here anymore. That post came from a place where I was preparing to share the news of our baby, and I knew that I wouldn't want to share it's sweet face all over the internet once it arrived.

I actually considered sharing our baby news a couple of weeks ago. Since we had found out so early at three weeks, it was quickly becoming difficult to keep our secret, and I was very anxious to spill the beans.

I remember thinking to myself when I considered writing the announcement post, "I understand why women wait until 12 weeks to share their pregnancy - because they think that they are out of the miscarriage clear - but plenty of women have miscarriages at 20 weeks, or deliver stillborns at 25 weeks, 35 weeks, or 40 weeks. Books and doctors and websites stress that you should keep your pregnancy a secret just in case something "bad" happens, which also infers that you should keep it a secret if in fact that something "bad" does happen. But if I do miscarry, I certainly won't grieve in silence, so what does it matter whether I share that I'm 8 weeks pregnant or 12 weeks pregnant, if I'd share that I had a miscarriage at any week? "

Ultimately, since I felt so uncertain about my decline of pregnancy symptoms, I decided to wait until confirmation that all was good - or not good - with the baby.

I planned on making our special baby announcement yesterday.

But now, here I find myself ... sharing that that I miscarried just shy of 11 weeks.

Over the course of the past six months, TJ and I have been continually tested, brought up, thrown down, and forced to pick ourselves back up. Since we got married in July, we've dealt with the worst experiences of our lives together ... and I think that we're so easily at peace with this miscarriage because we've made it through those awful moments together.

Together, we've been forced to deal with grief when we didn't want to, we've been forced to be mentally strong when we didn't want to ... and I think that in a way, all of those experiences prepared us for this.

Months ago, we developed the belief that everything happens for a reason.

And as painful as this is, I truly believe that eventually, we will have an understanding as to why right now is not the right time to bring a sweet baby into our world.

I know that someday, this will all make sense.

But right now, it doesn't.

We were just getting accustomed to the idea of life with a baby, and now we need to figure out how we're going to proceed without one. Together, TJ and I have spent nearly every night for the past seven weeks in bed Googling the babies growth and development, wondering if Brutus would be a good big brother, envisioning TJ taking the baby out on the ice for the first time after a game, wondering if we'd have a tiny dancer or a husky athlete, and laughing about how we'd never sleep through the night ever again.

I know it's a quick decision, but I think that we've decided that we're going to wait quite a few months until we try again. These past few months have been strewn with many disappointments, and we just want to enjoy the offseason, the summer, and most importantly - each other - without any more stress, anxiety or devastation.

I'm sure that anyone who reads this post will understand that it's going to be quiet around here until I can pick myself up again, and until I can figure out what my new normal is.

These emotions are still very raw, and this is all still very, very real - but I needed to release these words from my heart today, so that I can acknowledge my feelings and begin to move on.

I am not going to pretend that I am okay, because I'm not ... but I know that eventually, I will be okay.

Even if this is the fourth time that I'm typing those four words into this one post ... (and maybe it's because I'm just trying to convince myself) ... but eventually, I will be okay.

Just not today.

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  1. My heart is breaking for you, and I wish there was something that me or anyone could say or do to make this better. Sending you lots of love and virtual hugs! <3

  2. So sorry for your loss. No words can take away the pain you are both feeling, life can seem so unfair sometimes but just know you are not alone. Sending blessings and prayers your way.

  3. Oh Kym I'm so sorry. I have tears in my eyes reading your post. My heart breaks for you and even more so since you are so far from family and friends. I can't even imagine going through especially w/o a support system nearby! It is ok to "not be ok today." It probably wouldn't be normal to be ok. (But what is normal anyways.) Take all the time you need and do what is best for you. Thinking of you and TJ!

  4. My heart goes out to you two. Know what you are feeling is okay and let your grief consume you as long as YOU need to recover. I am so sorry for your loss girl, thinking of you and your husband.

  5. I so sorry for your loss, Kim and TJ.

    Sending you guys lots of love and hugs.

    Please take as much time as you need. We're all here for you.


  6. Oh sweetie, I wish I could be there for you to talk to and hug. I've been through what you're going through, and yes, you will eventually be ok. It will just take a while. But as you've already stated, these trials that you are going through are continuously making you and your marriage stronger. If you need another person to talk to, I'm just an email away. Sending you love today!

  7. I am so sorry for your pain. You will look back on this time in your life and this particular blog post one day and can't believe this was your life... because you WILL BE chasing 2 beautiful little ones around. Sounds like you had an amazing doctor who knew just what to say. And he's right. That doesn't make it easier though, does it? Thinking about you from afar and so hoping that this continues to bring you and your husband closer than ever. Hugs!

  8. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know sometimes it's not easy sharing details like this with the internet, and I know it's hard to be away from family, but don't forget, you have such an amazing support system here! I am keeping you and your family in my prayers. xo

  9. Oh honey...I know what your feeling. This happened to my husband and I about 3yrs ago. Worst time of our lives! It gets better with time....

    Keeping you in my thoughts.


  10. Oh girl, I am so sorry! I am so so sorry. Life is so tough. It's so great that you and TJ have such a great relationship, you guys will make it through and only make you stronger. If you ever need a little trip to get away, come my way! I totally understand about being lonely, I have such a hard time here sometimes. Oh and I just had a lady appt, TOTALLY awkward. And to top it off, my dr was a little too touchy. Why are they so 'free' over here? Anyway, hang in there girl, you'll be stronger for it!

  11. So sorry for your loss. Praying for comfort and peace and rest during this time.

  12. I'm so so so sorry. Sending love and prayers your way.

  13. Oh no...I am so so sorry Kym. I am here for you if you need anything!! Email me any time!! Xoxo

  14. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even fathom what you are going through. However through it all your post is still inspirational and full of emotion. You have such a positive attitude. My heart hurts for you guys. Ditto on the comment above, you are not alone. Sending love and prayers.

  15. So incredibly sorry for your loss and that you're having to deal with yet another setback. I know there's nothing I can say or do to make you feel better, but know that I am thinking of you, keeping you in my prayers and hoping you can find happiness sooner rather than later. You deserve it! xoxoxoxo

  16. My heart breaks for you. I experienced 3 miscarriages in 2 years.. The first one was the hardest and it took me a very long time to be okay. I'm sending you lots and lots of prayers for both you and your husband. It's hard and it is okay not to be okay. Eventually with time you will heal but that baby will forever be a part of you. Thank you for talking about it and sharing it with us all. Thinking of you.

  17. Oh friend....

    I literally just posted about my miscarriage yesterday on the blog. And although I lost the pregnancy much earlier than you, I know that I was hurting and "not okay" for awhile....and I didn't really talk about it until it went public yesterday. So good for you for being so brave and talking about it when it is so new and raw.

    And as a word of encouragement: although it took us a few months, we are now expecting. I'm still sad and scared over the last lost, but joy will come for you and your husband again. My thoughts and prayers are with you <3


  18. Thinking of you Kym and TJ, sending lot of love! Hill & Jordy

  19. I am so so sorry to hear of your loss. This is truly heartbreaking and words can not even begin to address the depth of grief that you are experiencing. Please know that our thoughts and prayers are with you. I am so sorry.

  20. Kym, I am so sorry to hear that. My heart is breaking for you and I wish there was something I could do for you. Thinking of you, sweet friend! xxx

  21. Ah friend.... I am so so sorry!!! My heart broke when I read the title because for whatever reason I knew what it was going to be... Then my heart broke all over again as I read through your post. You're perfectly right though... You WILL be ok. But take the time to be sad and grieve. Eat ice cream, cry, love on Brutus and TJ. We'll all be here when you get back. Love and praying for you girl!!!!

  22. I am so sorry to hear about your loss and it seems that this is happening all over the blogging world. It breaks my heart to continue to hear of expectant mothers losing their babies so soon and I can assure you that you will be in my prayers for comfort and peace and understanding and that you will be be blessed with a little baby to hold in your hands!

  23. Kym, I am so sorry. I know how painful this can be. In time, your heart will heal. My thoughts are with you.

  24. My heart is so heavy reading this post. Your doctor said some very powerful words to you when he said "the good thing to remember here is that we know that your body can make a baby." What reassurance, and peace of mind. You are blessed to be able to do that. I'm very sorry this had to happen, but just remember God gives you challenges because he knows you can get through them. I pray for comfort, and strength in you.

  25. Sending you lots of love and prayers. ♥

  26. Sweetheart, my eyes are welling up just reading this. Your doctor is great, he has a great positive out look for you. Also I want to let you know you will be okay, my mom miscarried about a year before she had me, there is hope for you! I am wishing you the best in the coming months and I will get on that email for you!

    Love, M

  27. Serious crying my eyes right now for you! I'm beyond sorry for your loss. But I must say that this blog is written so well! I can feel your pain through and I thank you for being so honesty. I know this is the first comment I have made but i thoroughly enjoy your blog. It is so fun to read. I sincerely hope for the best for all of you! To hear such sad news breaks my heart! I am praying for you,TJ and Brutus! May many blessings come your way!

  28. I'm so sorry for your loss. You and TJ will come out strong and I know one day all your dreams of growing your family will come true

  29. I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family in this time.

  30. Wow this is such an amazingly written blog post. So raw and emotional. I am sorry for you both. You are right everything happens for a reason and you will be ok again. My love and prayers and good thoughts to you both.

    Love Johanna

  31. Holy sh!T, I'm so sorry, Kym! I wish I could reach through the computer and give you the biggest, longest hug in the world. I started to cry when I read this because my heart goes out to you. I know that there is nothing that I can say or do or not say or not do, but if there is ANYthing, please let me know. Sending you and TJ lots of love, prayers and peace.

  32. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you & TJ are able to support each other & come out even stronger on the other side.

  33. Kym I am just so, so, sorry for you. I can "hear" your heartbreak as I read this and my heart breaks for you. I have never been through this but so many women do. They just don't talk about it. I am sure by sharing you have made someone else feel less alone.

    I am so glad to know you received the blessing of the kind doctor to care for you.

    Just know I am thinking about you, TJ and Brutus. A lot.

  34. Sending hugs and love to you, TJ and Brutus. The three of you are some of the strongest people I have the honor of knowing, and am so glad you have each other for support! I will be sending good thoughts your way ... so know that when you suddenly see something slightly inappropriate or sarcastic pop into your head, that's me!

  35. Sending thoughts and prayers your way. Love each other and take your time. I can't imagine how hard this was to share with so many people, but I hope your readers and "friends" can give you even more, much needed support.

  36. I am so so sorry for your loss, if you need someone to talk to that has been through it please feel free to message me. Hugs and prayers dear friend.

  37. Hey there. I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I suffered a miscarriage last year (almost the exact same timing as yours) and it was so hard. One thing I do know that helped was talking with others that have gone through the same if you ever need to vent, have questions, anything...feel free to contact me. And if not, please know that you are in my prayers. You will get through this!

  38. Oh girl, this is horrible! My prayers are set out for you and TJ. <3

  39. I'm really sorry to hear about this, Kym. There aren't really any words, I just hope you'll find peace and comfort with TJ. Sending you both lots of love.

  40. I'm so very sorry Kym. No stories or inspirational words just sadness for you. I'm sending lots of hugs and prayers your way.

  41. kym,

    my heart goes out to you. you will be in my thoughts and so will your little baby.


  42. I am so sorry. I know way too many people that had to go through this. It's scary how "common" it almost seems. I am sending hugs and positive thoughts. It will happen in the future.

  43. Oh Kym. I am hurting for you two. I don't have the words to make you feel better or to empathize with you. i've never been there. But know that SO MANY women are thinking and praying for you. We love you and you sharing this is so brave. I wish I had better words, but I'm just gonna say it-- I'm going to pray for you and TJ. I'm going to pray for mental and physical healing and future health. I'm going to pray for peace, serenity, and full hearts. You guys are heavy on my heart right now. Love you, sis.

  44. My heart is breaking for you Kym, I'm sorry you are going through this. Thinking of you.

  45. Kym,

    You are SO brave and strong!! Don't worry about over-sharing, if you do you will get the support you deserve. You are definitely in my prayers and thoughts :-) This is just so hard to read, I'm so sorry. And at least you have a wonderful man beside you during this hard time. Tomorrow is a new day!! Just take it 1 day at a time..

    XOOXOX!! Jenna

  46. You are so strong. I KNOW this will help many other women in the same situation!

  47. Hi Kim,

    I know this is shocking because it was maybe your first pregnancy. I had one between my girl and my boy. It was even then shocking since for my girl, the pregnancy went well...So, it took 1.5h year for me to think of getting preganant again after the miscarrage...

    Please don't give up and try to recoverying. You will be fine, believe me. And you have so big love, so that you will have your baby some day.

    xo, Tsing

  48. I just found your blog through The Crowley Party. I wanted to let you know that I am praying for you & your husband. I hope that soon the pain will cut a little less deep & that you both continue to have healing hearts!

  49. On March 13, 2013, just a couple days before you posted this, I found out that I miscarried my son at 15 weeks. I am feeling every bit of your pain. It's the worst kind. I find hope in knowing that I will know him one day. Until then, I will love him with my whole heart. You are not alone. Praying for you.

  50. I know I am very late with my message, I have been living under a rock for a while, but Kym, I am so sorry for your loss! I cannot relate nor can I say I have been in a situation that must be as painful as what you are going through right now. I also don't know what else to say but that my heart is breaking for you and TJ; nevertheless, I know you will get through this and move on to be even stronger, as an individual and as a couple. I am sending you all the love, strength and endurance you may need to pull through this time! xoxo.

  51. I just found your blog through and just want to say how so very sorry I am for you. I have no words that can make something like this better for you, other than to say I'm sorry xo

  52. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage too, around 10 weeks. It was heartbreaking and I still haven't forgotten (even six years and two kids later). At the time, I felt so alone because I didn't know anyone who had had a miscarriage; it wasn't until I started talking about it that I sadly discovered more people had gone through the same experience. It was more common than I thought, but no one wants to talk about it. Thank you so much for writing about it, as painful as it is.

  53. I hate crying into my coffee on Saturday morning. I know you JUST posted about how it annoys you how many comments you get on your sad posts, but then you included links to them...which I'm now clicking on. :) I know it's only been 4 months but I hope your heart has been able to heal, even if it's just a little bit.

  54. I found you through makenzie at Bell Bliss. Your post is so moving! I know this was posted a while ago but I'm sure it feels like yesterday I will be praying for you and your husband. You are so strong and I am amazed at your strength and way with words in this post.

  55. i just found your blog and went to this post and i am so sorry. I know this was awhile back but I know the pain of a miscarriage and now that it is always there and I don't know if you ever really "get over it." My husband and I struggled with infertility and miscarriage and for awhile I kept thinking some day I will understand why this all happened. And now we have a baby girl, but I honestly don't think there is ever clear reasons as to why that all happened. Except that life sucks sometimes and is unfair. I had to eventually just surrender that I am not in control of my life and dont' understand why things happen. To trust that God has a plan and I don't know and may not understand it. I know the fear of wondering if it will happen again and I'm sorry you are there. Praying for your future baby.


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