May 22, 2013

Real Life >>> Blog Life

Have you downloaded the BeautifulMess app yet? If not, get with the program.

I've been pretty boring on my blog lately, but I update a few times a day on Instagram - are you following me there? If so, you'd see:

1. Too many photos of Brutus.

2. My nummy sushi dinner date with the hubs.

3. The trip I took to the zoo with TJ and my little brother. It was more or less a petting zoo - but we still had fun and saw quite a few furry friends.

4. Lots of fitspo. I've been really dedicated to working on my bikini bod these past few weeks. My Polar watch is the best purchase I've ever made - you can get yours on Amazon HERE for $65! 

That's all - Happy Hump Day :)

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May 13, 2013

My Life In Puzzle Pieces

I don't know how to start this post.

TJ told me that he didn't think writing this post was a good idea ... that I might offend someone, or something.

Blog Tip #1: Never ask your husband what he thinks about your blog topic ideas, for you will question every word that you type.

Have you ever needed absolute closure on something?

That's where I'm at ... and as careful as I should be with my words right now, so that I don't pierce someones heart or sound like a complete whackadoodle ... I really can't find any other way to say this:

I think that my miscarriage was both the best and worst thing to ever happen to me.

And before you write me off as a wretched crazy person ... please let me explain.

Yes, my miscarriage was one of the worst things I've ever gone through. Our baby died. We were alone in Germany, and the entire thing was an incredibly emotional experience that took me to a dark and difficult place and shook me to my core.

But it also taught me who my true friends and family are ... and I've also decided that maybe I lost the baby because I wasn't truly ready for it.

It's weird to even type those words - I mean TJ and I tried for a baby in July, and in August, and in September, and in October, and in November, and in December. Six long months of baby making. Around November I started questioning if something was wrong - I mean first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage. It was supposed to be that easy, just like the rhyme says, and I think that a part of me wanted that baby so much month after month because I felt like it was almost expected from me ... at the time, it felt like the next natural step was to make a baby and to live happily ever after with my little family, just like you see on TV.

When we came home at the beginning of April, both the change of scenery and being surrounded by my family really helped to pull me out of the hole that I buried myself in in Germany. 

I started to focus on myself, my health, my emotional well being, the relationships that are important to me, and what I want to do with my life.

It's true - when you hit rock bottom you have no other choice but to pull yourself up.

A few weeks after we returned home I checked in on a miscarriage forum that I had read while trying to cope with our loss in Germany. I found that many of the women who had lost their babies around the same time as me were obsessed with getting pregnant again. I wasn't. I'm still not. Getting pregnant again is literally the last thing on my "To-Do" list.

One of my girlfriends who had a miscarriage warned me that it may be painful to see pregnant women, or newborns, and that it's totally "normal" to dislike both right now. I've never felt like that once.
It's almost like I've done a complete 180, and it's confusing and it's strange, and it isn't coming from a place where I'm afraid to try and conceive again ... I've just never been more motivated to focus on ME, and to become the best version of myself possible.

I think after sacrificing so much of who I was, who I am, and who I always aspired to be, giving up my career to follow and support TJ's career, and justifying that his career was more important than mine - I now realize that I'm not fully ready to sacrifice one more ounce of myself or my potential. There are things that I want to see, do and be, and after five years of putting myself on hold, right now just isn't the time to bring a baby into the world and continue to put myself and my own aspirations aside.

I know this all sounds completely selfish - it is! - I admit it, I'm being wholeheartedly selfish. 

Unfortunately, being selfish is usually considered a major character flaw. As a society we honor selfless acts and sacrifice - women are expected to be as selfless as possible and to raise families and to put their children's needs before their own. And one day, I will be ready for that - but right now, I'm simply not. Right now I want to live consciously and focus on my self esteem, self confidence, self worth, self respect, and self accomplishments.

I think in the long run this will make me a better person, wife, daughter, sister, friend, and some day, mother. My husband, parents, siblings, friends, and future baby are all sources of happiness, but they won't make me happy, that's something that I have to do myself.

So for now, for those of you who have been contacting me wondering how I'm doing, and where I've been - I'm GOOD, I'm FINE - I promise! 

I've been busy living my life like one big proverbial jigsaw puzzle. When I complete a puzzle I start with the outside edges, move to the corners, then work on the middle. The outside, smooth edges of my puzzle are complete, and I'm slowly working on the inside, interlocking the pieces together. I know exactly where our baby puzzle piece fits, but I need to work on completing its surrounding pieces first, and I'm confident that all the pieces will connect when they are supposed to.

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© Kym Fox | Our Fox Tales