May 13, 2013

My Life In Puzzle Pieces

I don't know how to start this post.

TJ told me that he didn't think writing this post was a good idea ... that I might offend someone, or something.

Blog Tip #1: Never ask your husband what he thinks about your blog topic ideas, for you will question every word that you type.

Have you ever needed absolute closure on something?

That's where I'm at ... and as careful as I should be with my words right now, so that I don't pierce someones heart or sound like a complete whackadoodle ... I really can't find any other way to say this:

I think that my miscarriage was both the best and worst thing to ever happen to me.

And before you write me off as a wretched crazy person ... please let me explain.

Yes, my miscarriage was one of the worst things I've ever gone through. Our baby died. We were alone in Germany, and the entire thing was an incredibly emotional experience that took me to a dark and difficult place and shook me to my core.

But it also taught me who my true friends and family are ... and I've also decided that maybe I lost the baby because I wasn't truly ready for it.

It's weird to even type those words - I mean TJ and I tried for a baby in July, and in August, and in September, and in October, and in November, and in December. Six long months of baby making. Around November I started questioning if something was wrong - I mean first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage. It was supposed to be that easy, just like the rhyme says, and I think that a part of me wanted that baby so much month after month because I felt like it was almost expected from me ... at the time, it felt like the next natural step was to make a baby and to live happily ever after with my little family, just like you see on TV.

When we came home at the beginning of April, both the change of scenery and being surrounded by my family really helped to pull me out of the hole that I buried myself in in Germany. 

I started to focus on myself, my health, my emotional well being, the relationships that are important to me, and what I want to do with my life.

It's true - when you hit rock bottom you have no other choice but to pull yourself up.

A few weeks after we returned home I checked in on a miscarriage forum that I had read while trying to cope with our loss in Germany. I found that many of the women who had lost their babies around the same time as me were obsessed with getting pregnant again. I wasn't. I'm still not. Getting pregnant again is literally the last thing on my "To-Do" list.

One of my girlfriends who had a miscarriage warned me that it may be painful to see pregnant women, or newborns, and that it's totally "normal" to dislike both right now. I've never felt like that once.
It's almost like I've done a complete 180, and it's confusing and it's strange, and it isn't coming from a place where I'm afraid to try and conceive again ... I've just never been more motivated to focus on ME, and to become the best version of myself possible.

I think after sacrificing so much of who I was, who I am, and who I always aspired to be, giving up my career to follow and support TJ's career, and justifying that his career was more important than mine - I now realize that I'm not fully ready to sacrifice one more ounce of myself or my potential. There are things that I want to see, do and be, and after five years of putting myself on hold, right now just isn't the time to bring a baby into the world and continue to put myself and my own aspirations aside.

I know this all sounds completely selfish - it is! - I admit it, I'm being wholeheartedly selfish. 

Unfortunately, being selfish is usually considered a major character flaw. As a society we honor selfless acts and sacrifice - women are expected to be as selfless as possible and to raise families and to put their children's needs before their own. And one day, I will be ready for that - but right now, I'm simply not. Right now I want to live consciously and focus on my self esteem, self confidence, self worth, self respect, and self accomplishments.

I think in the long run this will make me a better person, wife, daughter, sister, friend, and some day, mother. My husband, parents, siblings, friends, and future baby are all sources of happiness, but they won't make me happy, that's something that I have to do myself.

So for now, for those of you who have been contacting me wondering how I'm doing, and where I've been - I'm GOOD, I'm FINE - I promise! 

I've been busy living my life like one big proverbial jigsaw puzzle. When I complete a puzzle I start with the outside edges, move to the corners, then work on the middle. The outside, smooth edges of my puzzle are complete, and I'm slowly working on the inside, interlocking the pieces together. I know exactly where our baby puzzle piece fits, but I need to work on completing its surrounding pieces first, and I'm confident that all the pieces will connect when they are supposed to.

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  1. I cannot believe you didn't want to hit publish on this post! It's fantastic and I don't think one word of it is controversial.

    You're still so young! You have plenty of time to have that adorable little baby when you're ready. And you're allowed to be selfish. Being selfish now is what will prepare you to raise a future baby. I say all the time that I'm not ready for a baby for another few years, mainly because I enjoy being able to do what I want, when I want and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

    I think you need to love yourself, your life and everything in it before you bring another life into this world. I actually think it's selfish NOT to do that! I'm obv not saying you were selfish to want a baby previosuly, but the fact that you've realized where you want your life to go right now and that you aren't trying to have another baby just because that's what you think is expected is great!

    Focus on you. Do what makes you happy & makes you feel fulfilled. One day that baby will come and you'll be a better mother because you were able to wait until you were 100% ready!

    Ok, my novel is done. xoxoxoxoxo

  2. It's not selfish at all. Selfish would be to live out the life people 'expect' you to live out. When you're ready again you will know it :-)
    Picking yourself up and putting back together the pieces is a difficult task - enjoy yourself and be happy.


  3. I never got to experience that, but i love how honest and open you are about it. You always should put yourself first then when your ready you will be ready to put someone esle before you. I feel at my age, its one of those why dont you have kids or married yet, and for me it's cause i am just not ready. When the day comes i will know.

    Good luck girly! I am happy things are getting better for you.


  4. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason - and while you're right, have a miscarriage is a horrible thing, I'm sure it is all part of God's plan for your life. I think it sounds like you're in a good place right now, and I'm sure sometime down the road you're baby puzzle piece will fit into place, but for now I'm sure whatever else God has planned for you will be perfect :)

    Emily @

  5. I can relate to this post 100%!!!!! You aren't a crazy person, I felt this exact same way.

  6. I don't think being selfish is a bad thing. Taking time to take care of yourself and allow yourself to just ... be ... with no reservations or fears of how or what you should be doing/feeling is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself. And if people view that as being selfish in a negative way, then so be it! Stay strong girl! You are amazing!

  7. I think focusing on YOU is the best thing you can do and admitting it is a sign of maturity, not the opposite. Marriage (and eventually parenthood -I believe since I'm not yet there) can require so much of the focus to be on the us, we, our part of life and there becomes a loss of the ME. All of this is rewarding and beautiful and wonderful in the right timing... Otherwise it can feel so overwhelming, exhausting, unfair.

    We've been married a year and a half now and all anyone ever asks is if I'm pregnant or if we're trying and when, when, when. Honestly, we're not. As cute as those squishy, cuddly babes are... I'm not ready to kiss goodbye the early morning gym time, the nights out with one too many, and dates at the drop of a hat.

    You're so right. The puzzle pieces will come together... And when they do, wonderful! Until then, enjoy your little bit of ME. :)

  8. I love the analogy at the end. It's just so perfect for life. I'm glad you're doing well. Also, I've been told lately I need to work on being a little more selfish, so yet again, you are a huge inspiration! Hugs to you, lady!

  9. First, you're not selfish and you're not a whackadoodle. It's never selfish to take care of yourself or to make 'you' a priority. It's healthy. And you're right - you'll be happy for it - and so will those around you, who love you.

    Second, this is one of the most raw and beautiful posts I have read in a long time, anywhere. I love when you pour your heart out. I can hear you saying these things out loud in my head - it's just so very you, if that makes any sense at all.

    I love you Kym. I love that you are taking time to take care of you and find what makes you truly happy. I am lucky to call you my friend - and not a day goes by that I don't feel that way. You are there for so many people in your life - it's only right you take some time to be there for yourself. You are a beautiful person, inside and out. You deserve nothing but good things.

    All the love in the world ...

  10. I'm so, so glad you put this out there. You are most definitely not alone in thinking that way. A similar thing happened to me & my husband (about 3 years ago I lost a baby at 9 weeks). I truly believe my baby knew we weren't as ready as we thought we were.

    It was horrendous at the time but now I feel grateful that we see our lives in a different light and that we have the opportunity to do all the things we didn't even realise we wanted to do. Being selfish is a good thing in many ways as you will feel fulfilled and content when the time finally comes around again :)

    Thankyou so much for this post, I'll always know there is someone else out there that has/is experiencing a similar situation.

    Much love, enjoy focusing on YOU & your hubby :)

  11. What a beautiful revelation, Kym. You deserve to take the time for yourself, your dreams, and building your life according to you and TJ's dreams...Everything will work out, and fall together, according to the Good Lord's perfect plan...Prayers to you and to TJ. *hugs*

  12. You are a smart girl Kym and I think you have a lot of insight. Good for you for figuring this all out! I'm so happy you are in a good place emotionally. I'm sure what you went through was not easy but it taught you many things I'm sure.

    I hope you are enjoying being back w/ family in the US. Enjoy your time w/ them before the next stop!! :)

  13. Way to be honest with yourself and everyone - no one should criticize your own thoughts. We are all different and you should do what is best for you and TJ right now!

  14. I've got the puzzle glue waiting for when you're done!

    And you are not being selfish, I think it's great that you are now focussing on your wellbeing! Power to you girl!

    xoxo M

  15. It all makes sense Kymmy, it really does. It is called fate and this is how it is meant to be. There is a plan for us all, and this is a discovery of your new path in the plan. I am so glad you shared this and I am sending you the biggest hugs and squeezes! I am so proud of you x

  16. Isn't that one of the most cliche pieces of advice that you get after something negative happens in your life... "Take time for yourself." People shouldn't say it if they don't mean it, and I think you deserve all the time you need and want to work on you. Happy Kym makes for a happier everyone around you.

  17. long time reader, first time comment-er.
    i must say that this post is fantastic. you can't help the way you feel and there should never be a right way or a wrong way to feel about these most trying of circumstances. bully for you lady!

  18. Kym,

    Long time reader, first time commenting...I just had to.

    After going through THREE miscarriages of my own, one of which I didn't even know I was pregnant...I can totally relate to this. I thought that trying to have a baby right away after it happened was the best thing and after two and three I realized I had lost myself in the process. In the end I realized it was the worst, but in turn the best thing to ever happen, much like your situation. The loses brought me and my husband even closer and we learned just how much love we had for each other. We took the time to focus on ourselves, our love, and our relationships around us. Now after a year of not trying we have begun talking about taking the leap again and feel 100% better about bringing a child into this world. I wish you and TJ all the best and hope you find peace in this time of reflection.


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