November 25, 2019

I May Be Too Much For You. And That's Okay.

Hello hello and welcome back to my little home on the Internet. I'm dusting off the 'ole keyboard and coming at you with a big unboxing of thoughts and emotions, so grab yourself a glass of wine/water/coffee/whiskey/whatevs, and get comfy with me.

To those of you who have been a loyal reader and stayed connected with me since I started writing back in this space in 2010 - thank you. Honestly, from the bottom of my heart - THANK YOU. You are the only people who have ever checked in on me to make sure that I'm okay when I go MIA on social media - and your outreach while I was most recently sitting in my feels of anxiety and depression the past couple of months made me realize how much the world (or maybe it's just my world??) is lacking the authentic connections, community and friendships that I feel the blogging world of 2010-2015ish provided me.

I've been doing a LOT (and I mean a lot, a lot) of introspection over the past six or so months, and I've realized that I've been lacking those connections, community and friendships essentially since I left this online space in the dust almost five years ago, when social media swiftly transitioned to Instagram where it's socially(media) accepted to microblog what's often portrayed as a perfect(/fake) little life in a perfect little curated square.

I've never felt like I fit in over on Instagram (which miiiight just be the stupidest shit I've ever written here - I'm almost 34 years old and was trying to find my worth on a freaking social media platform that could literally disappear in ten minutes, lol) and hey, maybe it's my own fault for not using Instagram the right way, or for getting stuck in my head that I had to keep up with the Joneses, or for having my own insecurities that made me feel like I had to box myself in and portray some idealized vision of perfection, when in fact my life is quite a freaking shitstorm...

But here? On this little blog? Here is where I can be myself and write from my heart and for some reason not give a flying fuck about what Linda in Idaho or Sally from my dumpy little hometown in Massachusetts thinks about me.

When TJ and I (and big Brutty!) used to travel every six-ish months for hockey, this blog was literally my lifeline to friends who I could remain in contact with no matter if we were in Germany, Florida, New York, Colorado, or wherever.

We were invested in each others lives and stories.

We cried together when we miscarried or when family tragedy struck, and we rejoiced when we announced pregnancies and new jobs.

We tried each others recipes and shared our favorite boots, and we offered destinations where people actually felt encouraged and supported, far beyond the "support" of a $1.99 affiliate link commission from said boots.

This blog was my home where I felt completely comfortable to be myself - the kind of comfort you feel when you walk through the door after a long day, strip your bra off through the arm hole of your shirt, throw your hair on top of your head (which, sidebar: why does a messy bun always look freaking amazing when you have nowhere to go?!) and slip into your favorite pair of baggy sweatpants.

I now understand that this comfort was because my solid Enneagram 4* personality could be 100% emotionally honest and authentic here, and it overfilled my cup to have a creative space that I had control of when I couldn't control a damn thing in our ever changing hockey life.

Fast forward to today - I've gone through a LOT of heavy shit since I stopped writing here. The kind of heavy shit that I probably should have gone into therapy for, but when my zip code continues to change as much as some people change their underwear and it'd essentially be impossible to find a therapist ... I chose to seek guidance from my good friend and mentor Katie, and do the really hard work of continuing to heal myself through self-discovery, developing self-discipline and improving my self-esteem.

I'm totally aware to the fact that this all may sound overly dramatic to you - but guess what? These are my honest thoughts and feels. I've become obsessed with studying my Enneagram - so much so that I made TJ take his test (he's an 8) so that we could understand each other and our relationship even deeper ... and I had this volcanic brain explosion when I read his strengths and weaknesses that "Holy shit, that's absolutely him to a T but totally not me" ... and I experienced this earth shattering understanding of the concept that we are all a bunch of vastly different human beings roaming this planet with individual motivators, behaviors, temperaments, and subconscious beliefs that make us see, feel, act and respond differently to the world within and around us.

I'm highly intuitive, honest, moody, and emotionally intense. I may be too much for you. And that's okay. Because I know that I'm also overly compassionate of others, have a good heart, and carry an honest hope that by sharing my authentic feels and truths again here in this space, you'll find the freedom to stand tall in your own.

I feel like I've lived five different lives in the past five years and I still have a lifetime ago. I'm thrilled about my decision to start documenting it all here again, and I hope that you'll enjoy watching the stories unfold.


xoxo,
Kym

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My favorite site to take the Enneagram test is here.
Once you know what you are, this site dives in deep about your motivators, stressors, unique gifts and more.

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This song feels super appropriate for this post, I love when it comes on the radio:


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2 comments

  1. Welcome back girl! :) missed your blog!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Welcome back! Glad you’ve rediscovered yourself!

    Taking my Enneagram now...I’ll let you know how this goes.

    ReplyDelete

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